This mistake is taken from my local politics class. I noticed:Mr.Keeley respectfully declined, and became Executive Director of the Planning and Conservation League, and the PCL Foundation for two years.
I feel that the sentence commas complicate the sentence. Does it mean that Keeley was Executive Director of both organizations or just Director or one organization and involved with the other. Perhaps the sentence could be changed to:
Mr. Keeley respectfully declined to became Executive Director of the Planning and Conservation League, and he also become a part of the PCL Foundation for two years.
This picture is of a syllabus from my multimedia class. The mistake is:Students will learn how to gather audio, still and video assets and produce them into meaningful audio reports, audio/stills slideshows and short Web videos and integrate them into their own HTML sites as well as on their own Wordpress-based content management system.
Perhaps the sentence should best be written as:
This class will stress two major objectives: how to gather audio, still images, and video assets to produces meaningful storytelling; and to integrate audio, slideshows, and Web videos onto theor HTML sites and Wordpress blogs.
"That's all I'm asking for before working my way through internships and part-time work to something hopefully more career-orientated. Either that or I regroup, take the Graduate Record Examination and apply for a graduate program as the opportunity to do so for this fall has passed."
This error was found in Thursday's edition of the Spartan Daily. The second sentence was confusing. "as the opportunity to do so for this fall has passed," is confusing. Perhaps the writing was truing to express he should apply for the graduate program before the fall passed.
http://media.www.thespartandaily.com/media/storage/paper852/news/2010/03/25/Opinion/Veering.Off.Our.Predetermined.Paths-3894507.shtml
Whatever the merits of the commas in the sentence about Fred Keeley and his relationship to PCL and PCLF, your proposed wording misstates the reality. I don't know what Mr. Keeley was "declining," but he became Executive Director of BOTH PCL and PCLF shortly after leaving the California State Assembly.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you'd prefer:
Mr.Keeley respectfully declined; he became Executive Director of the Planning and Conservation League, and the PCL Foundation, for two years.
That sentence is accurate about his relationship with PCL and PCLF.
1) I appreciate Mr. Patton's update. Based on that, I'd say this sentence should read: Mr. Keeley respectfully declined, and became executive director (no CAPS) of the Planning and Conservation League and the PCL Foundation for two years.
ReplyDeleteYour version is more clear than the original, but it too wordy.
2) Much improved, but I'd probably say "meaningful stories" and separate those two clauses with a comma, not a semicolon.
3) What's throwing me is "orientated" -- I assume the person meant "oriented." However, if this is a direct quote, you can't alter it ... except by paraphrasing the quote instead.
+10 points